Q: Recently I was at a barbecue where dogs were invited as well. My cute little dog was the only girl there, and she was quite popular with the boys… The owners of the boy dogs tried to keep the humping to a minimum, but I wasn’t sure what I could do to help the situation, aside from holding my dog away from the others. And frankly, she enjoyed the attention if you know what I mean… What’s a responsible pet owner to do?

A: I suppose that one of the privileges of being a dog, tortoise, Jersey Shore castmember, or any other animal that humps, is that you are allowed to do so in public. Imagine if we were all allowed to approach a complete stranger and just go to town! Maybe that’s what the 60s “Free Love” generation had in mind. Knowing the sexual perversions of my friends, however, I wouldn’t wish a world like that on anyone.

                                                    

In any case, it sounds like your dog is quite the hottie! Stand proud with the knowledge that an attractive dog can often create a halo effect of hotness for its owner, meaning that you might just get humped yourself! How exciting. However, there’s also something to be said about propriety, and no one wants to associate themselves with the town dog whore, anymore than they do with the actual town whore. (Unless she’s cool, and they often are.) Soon enough you’ll get a reputation for letting anything with at least three legs get all up on your pooch. And that’s just not the kind of talk a respectable lady (or gentleman) like yourself needs around town.

The best thing to do in these situations is to attempt to keep the heated animals away from one another. However, if a couple humps start appearing (assuming your dog is spayed/neutered), then consider it a fun way to meet someone new (i.e., the other dog’s owner), and perhaps make a new friend and/or future sexual partner. If the animals are simply too interested in one another to respond to your commands, tie them to a nearby tree, leave them to their business, and sit down to enjoy your BBQ. In fact, why not take a moment to consider that these animals are only doing what we would all do if we had the chance. And isn’t that a beautiful thing? (No, on second hand, probably not.)